Project 13: Fertility Beer Tap Handle

This was made for an ob/gyn and her man. Can you tell?

 

Started with a design that would be handle-shaped and structurally sound enough to withstand constant drunken yanking.  Also thought it would make sense to combine a semi-religious fertility icon with the alcohol dispensing mechanism that results in most conceptions these days.

 

Obvious place to start.

 

Around 3:30 am the prototype was done.  Left it on the kitchen table for Katy to inspect when she woke up a few hours later. 

The morning reviews. Katy knows by now that I require constant, unequivocal encouragement to avoid sinking into despair and disrepair. 

 

Bolstered by Katy and ready for prime time. 

 

First attempt (left) ended in disaster when late that night I carelessly cut too much above the head and didn't leave enough legroom. Had to take a deep breath, stroll around the chicken coop, and start over again (right). 

The coupler that I bought would have required a huge distended rear and abdomen.

 

Cutting it down allowed for a slimmer waist. This stage was really fun, except for all the metal dust that made breathing difficult. 

 

Worried soul even at a tender age.

 

 

7 or so layers of poly and polishing later.

Evolutionary retrospective. 

Time for a cold mug of amniotic fluid. 

Project 12: Squid Lamp

You know those CNN "News of the Weird" stories about Japanese fishermen who haul up a tuna net and find there, entangled in the netting, some huge squid monster? It just goes to show you, they're out there ....




This is the best I could do on my point and click camera, I promise it looks more monstrous and imposing in person.





Started with a beautiful piece of wood from some folks up in northern Wisconsin who have a basswood forest behind their house. They make their living the old fashioned way - keep a stockpile of seasoned wood, cut it to order and ship UPS. That must be the life. The squid will never find them there.






The legs were really fun to shape - very tricky to keep them swirling in all the right directions.






Finding the right globe was a grueling task, involving antique store scouring, surreptitious inspection of fixtures when visiting other apartments, fruitless wandering through the lighting district, scores of search terms and thousands of web clicks. (To save you the trouble, this is the Lowe's Harbor Breeze).




Finished legs, looking squidlike. Unfortunately, I couldn't find an animal adjective for "squidlike." The problem with this language is that it's so hard to express ... anything!





Bioluminescing in the deep ocean.





Ensnaring a whale!

Project 11: Piranha Nail Clipper

Manicurist purists - don't you hate when your significant other falls behind with their toenail maintenance, and you think to yourself, "Man, if I just could get them to wade in a piranha infested amazonian tributary for just a few minutes, my problems would be solved." Well, here is the next best thing.





Originally I planned to put the fin lever on the top, but this fish looked better with an underbite, so I had to flip it. This project was a daily struggle between fidelity to the original design and the realities of trying to fit a nail clipper into a wooden fish.

I have so much more respect for nature now - not that nature ever did this.





This tail was the result of a concerted effort to coax more fluid shapes out of the wood.





Body cavity, ready for insertion of the nail clipper.






Studded with inlay pegs - should have just left them sticking out as is. There must be phalanxed fish like this in a deep sea trench somewhere. Also, wouldn't it be a good idea to put fish sticks in the Marinara Trench?






First time using Tung Oil. Smells great, all natural, has been used for thousands of years and doesn't coat your fingers in a fine layer of plastic the way polyurethane does. On the other hand, you have to patiently apply layer after layer to get a good finish - or you can just apply one or two layers and get distracted by more pressing concerns. Did tartar sauce actually originate in Crimea?

Project 9: Fish Fan Pull

I was feeling anxious. So I put down my worries and picked up a block. And then … a fish!

So far so good. But here’s what happened next. The wood had a knot, almost in the area where an eye should have been, but not quite. It would have been a really weird place for an eye. So I drilled out the knot, pounded in a peg, and cut it flush. This wasn’t the best idea. Now, instead of a small circle of discolored wood, there was a big circle of discolored wood. At that point, the only thing to do was keep going and drilling all sorts of holes all over the place, sticking pegs left and right.

Before long, the fish was a spotted fish. Point being, the solution to the problem made things worse, then it made things even better than if there had been no problem to begin with. This could be a philosophy I guess, but I don’t want to make too much of a piece of wood on a piece of bread.




I was pretty happy with the tail. Like the ones in One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.





After polyurethane and some plastic eyes, we were in business.








Originally published November 2011

Project 8: Bird Pre-Engagement Ring

Modern lovers, you understand. Foisting a ring on another person feels wrong. All this talk about mutual respect and equality, and then you have to buy your beloved like a goat in Marrakesh?

On the other hand, what is so bad about a little romance? Thus the pre-engagement ring, until all interested parties can pick out a real ring and do everything else together.

Basswood, Spackle, Polyurethane, Fire Island driftwood, Amagansett seashells, Dead Horse Bay sea glass. Also Swarovski crystals from Beads World near Times Square, which is an amazing place if you haven’t been before. Or if you have.

The first challenge was getting a believable bird shape.




Attempt #1 looked more like a chicken, which wasn’t the effect I was going for.





Attempt #2 seemed slightly more graceful.





Then came two miserable weeks grinding glass for the talons, polishing, grinding again, polishing again, breathing glass dust, starting over when pieces disappeared in the backyard, choking on glass dust, grinding fingers when the pieces got too small to hold safely, being partially blinded by glass dust. These were troubled times.





Seashells, on the other hand, are really easy to shape. Plus, they generate lots of calcium powder for your tomato plants.





These are supposed to be legs. Either a shape registers in the mind correctly, or it doesn’t. It’s really cool when you make just a few rough cuts, and then all of a sudden, hey, this looks like a gorilla face! (Maybe this is also why “realistic” animal carvings are so boring … all the detail is superfluous). But if the mind has to stretch to see the intended representation, then something is wrong. Deliberate abstraction doesn’t change anything, and only makes the onus of clarity more important. Point being, I was never fully comfortable with these legs, but didn’t want to carve thinner ones or try for more detail, for fear of breaking them off altogether. Then again, bird legs are never in a natural ring shape, so this may not have worked even if they were as thin as matchsticks and scaly as a post office.






After I put the eyes on it looked more like a frog than a bird. That is less of a concern. Love, like a bird, can sometimes become love, like a frog.




Resolved: use spackle whenever possible.








Originally posted August 2011

Project 7: Whale Stapler

The original idea was for a whole whale on the top part of the stapler. But that didn’t seem right, because in the wild you never see a whole whale with the bottom half of a stapler stuck underneath it.





Better then to make the whale and the stapler coterminal. This way it could fit right in on a shelf at Office Depot or on a continental shelf in the great blue deep.

Katy: Was this our only stapler?

Me: Yes.

Katy: Does it still work?

Me: I don’t know. The baleen-paint on the staple magazine might make it more likely to jam now.

Originally posted July 2011